The Truth Is

The truth is I’m writing this well before it will publish on my blog. I know exactly what day today is, but you don’t. By the time you read this, it’s all in the past. That kind of feels good to say. It’s in the past.

The truth is I am overall a motivated, productive, high-achieving person. I spent my life thinking I’m not a perfectionist because I’m not good enough to be a perfectionist.

The truth is I’m a perfectionist.

The truth is I am not motivated, productive, or high-achieving today. I couldn’t admit that publicly without reminding the world who may see this that most of the time, I am. For future employers, clients, and collaborators, don’t worry–I am very productive. Just not today.

The truth is: I am in deep emotional pain today. Maybe because of one big disappointment. Maybe because of a million tiny ones. Maybe because of the time of month or time of year. Maybe because of this whole year. Maybe because of the chemical makeup of my brain.

The truth is I can’t make myself do the things I know will make me feel better. Like eat. Like exercise. Like work, read, clean, drive, walk, watch TV. I feel stressed and guilty about the things I did not accomplish. I didn’t do chores or errands or write or do homework or finish work.

The truth is I did accomplish some things today. I exercised, showered, went on a walk, worked a bit, tidied up, made a meal. I even had a job interview. By now I will know whether I got the job, but either way, I feel good about how I did.

The truth is that after that last sentence, my aunt called. And I got myself together enough to go buy some food. And during that, my mood completely shifted. I’m okay.

The truth is when I started writing this I was not okay. I started to feel better as I wrote. By the time I was back home with my fast food dinner, I was one hundred percent okay. I was okay in a way I haven’t felt in over a month. It was kind of unbelievable. I didn’t even have the uneasy feeling of impending doom that I usually have when I start to feel okay. It felt like a very calm miracle.

The truth is that feeling of being totally okay did fade into emotional discomfort. But I have so much more hope than I did before.

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